Social Cluelessnes -- written 10/8/05
Once again I had a day exciting social cluelessness. It doesn't happen very often, but when it does, I get to feel all my emotions go off at once.
Happy, Sad, Excited, Alone, Joyous, and Angry. Fear and aggression. And many more conflicting emotions.
You'd think at 47, I'd know how to interact w/ the opposite sex, how to at least take some action towards making a friend, or more... But I don't.
I was staring at the tattoo of a waitress's/Barista's back Midrift, she turns around, bends over, giving me a look at her breasts, while also being able to see her smiling face. She say's she's forgotten my name, I introduce my self, she tells me her name, we haven't actually exchanged names before, I would have remembered, then shake hands. I find my self excited. But now what, I got sit down, read, and wait for my food. Wondering, what she felt, was that on purpose, or is that her effect on everyone? What could/should I have done? Should I have done something at all? Seems like a huge difference in age... Chichereo at it's finest. Argh!
Later that night, after going to the movie "The Aristocrats", (Great movie BTW), I take some friends back to their cars at Manana Garage, I stop try to see if I recognize three women walking, one of them says hi to me by name, it's dark, I have no clue who they are, part of me wants to go in and find out, the other part tells me that I was going home, to just proceed on my way. Which is what I do. I had thought about going dancing, but I forgot to bring extra $'s, it's raining heavily, and I don't go out.
There was yet another, but I need to leave it out. All this yesterday.
I used to call it "deftly ignoring", as I didn't even recognize that something might be going on until after I was in a new situation, but these days, I often recognize it, but I'm still paralyzed, and without a clue what to do next. I guess, in a sense, I have a hard time believing that anyone would be attracted to me.
I watch the same patterns develop, attraction, happiness, to revulsion and anger.
Happy, Sad, Excited, Alone, Joyous, and Angry. Fear and aggression. And many more conflicting emotions.
You'd think at 47, I'd know how to interact w/ the opposite sex, how to at least take some action towards making a friend, or more... But I don't.
I was staring at the tattoo of a waitress's/Barista's back Midrift, she turns around, bends over, giving me a look at her breasts, while also being able to see her smiling face. She say's she's forgotten my name, I introduce my self, she tells me her name, we haven't actually exchanged names before, I would have remembered, then shake hands. I find my self excited. But now what, I got sit down, read, and wait for my food. Wondering, what she felt, was that on purpose, or is that her effect on everyone? What could/should I have done? Should I have done something at all? Seems like a huge difference in age... Chichereo at it's finest. Argh!
Later that night, after going to the movie "The Aristocrats", (Great movie BTW), I take some friends back to their cars at Manana Garage, I stop try to see if I recognize three women walking, one of them says hi to me by name, it's dark, I have no clue who they are, part of me wants to go in and find out, the other part tells me that I was going home, to just proceed on my way. Which is what I do. I had thought about going dancing, but I forgot to bring extra $'s, it's raining heavily, and I don't go out.
There was yet another, but I need to leave it out. All this yesterday.
I used to call it "deftly ignoring", as I didn't even recognize that something might be going on until after I was in a new situation, but these days, I often recognize it, but I'm still paralyzed, and without a clue what to do next. I guess, in a sense, I have a hard time believing that anyone would be attracted to me.
I watch the same patterns develop, attraction, happiness, to revulsion and anger.
posted by Les at
5:20 PM
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